🌈22/05/2023 22:57pm

⛈️god made mortality a thing because he knew the temptation of making myself fall down a mountain in the woods would give me too much of a dopamine rush to resist. i really don't want to die but it's so, so tempting to see if i'd survive. the feeling it'd give me to have fallen that far without dying but being so injured is something that couldn't be matched. i need help. i need to talk to someone. i'm a danger to myself. i don't understand why i like pain like i do. this isn't normal. i've relapsed on self harm and i had a panic attack today and all i can think about is the rush i get when it hurts. i'm going to talk to someone now. i need to tell someone before i get myself hurt. at this point if we get sent somewhere it's for the better, but even then it might not stop us. we might be more optimistic and positive but we're so self destructive. it hurts so much. our arm is covered in scratches and cuts and our body hurts from throwing ourselves on the ground. but i want that rush again so much. i want the rush of not knowing if i'll live. i want the mix of fear and sharp, sudden pain. i don't know what's wrong with me. i want to be normal and safe. i don't want this. please, i don't want this. someone please save me. i'm going to get myself killed.

🌈30/04/2023 22:43pm

⛈️i always say to myself 'i won't engage in any things that make my delusions worse ! i'll stay away from everything like that !' and then i willingly search up welcome home stuffs...but can you really blame a delusional puppet for getting attatched to it ? it feels so nostalgic, but the horror themes are also a little comforting. like i'm not alone, i suppose. i miss my home a lot. i hope i'll go back there someday. i think i will. but in the meantime, it's nice to see something that reminds me of it :]

🌈29/04/2023 02:00am

⛈️editing this site again, if only to vent a little. we've had really bad heart palpatations recently, but especially today. it feels sctratchy and painful !! and it gets really bad whenever we move. our heart rate seems mainly fine but it changes rapidly and it's kind of...intense ? i don't think our body is having a good time right now. not that it ususally is, but, you know...it's been better ! it feels a little scary, i think. i'm not sure. maybe it's nothing to worry about. also, body modification urges have been getting worse. i just can't stand these hands. there's too many fingers on them. i've tried to feel better by painting over oour left hand with nail polish, which kinda helped me feel better. but also, it's nail polish on our skin. our hand is stinging and we used a lot of nail polish on it. but it looks kinda nice having colorful fingers. i wish body paint was reliable enough to do something that felt better. but it'll never really be enough, i think. i don't really know how to feel about this. i know that a lot of my thoughts are probably bad for us, but it's very hard to let them go. it doesn't feel right at all. i don't know what to do. i've ordered some jagua gel, since painting on our body usually helps, but i just hope it'll keep the urges off. it feels hard not to do drastic things sometimes. i just can't stand those fingers.

🌈31/03/2023 17:51pm

⛈️sad feelings are a million times worse when your tummy hurts !!! :[

🌈31/03/2023 15:21pm

⛈️hmmm...where's the fourth wall ? where's the camera ? i feel like saying vaguely unsettling things to the viewers today.

🌈30/03/2023 14:49pm

⛈️we don't feel very good today. i think we might stay home instead of going to club.

🌈30/03/2023 14:46pm

⛈️hm...i wish our brain could think more consistently. a lot of the time it just grabs onto whatever words are the closest. a lot of the time we end up thinking things that make no sense, just a bunch of words that are supposed to mean something else but aren't the right ones at all !! it's a little annoying...

🌈28/03/2023 17:08pm

⛈️not to sound rude, but i hate the way people treat us syskids on some discord servers !! i hate when we're only allowed to use certain channels ! "it's not our job to baby sit them" not all of us HAVE to be "babysat" ! you only ever see us as "the kid alters" !! it's like you just see us as a stereotype ! we have thoughts and feelings and some of us can look after ourselves !! you don't think of us as real alters !! we're just "the little ones" to you !! i'm so tired of it !!!

🌈28/03/2023 15:21pm

⛈️i always wanna talk to people, but it never feels the way it should !! it doesn't have that fun feeling ! everyone just feels like a stranger...and not in the good way ! they feel like strangers in the 'we're professionals talking because we have to' kinda way !! it always feels so dull...

🌈27/03/2023 22:11pm

⛈️hmm...i've been feeling like this post lately...i'm still a very happy person but our mental health isn't doing very good...

🌈27/03/2023 10:10am

⛈️"how are you today ?" i am on the verge !!! thank you for asking !!! <3

🌈27/03/2023 00:47am

⛈️sometimes we think about our own funeral. we think about our family and friends there. it's at a church. we were brought up christian, after all. we're not christian, but our family doesn't need to know. they'd talk about us. whisper the wrong name under their breaths. share stories we forgot. share lies we told to keep the truth hidden. they'd bring flowers and play music. our mam would cry over the loss of her child. i hope our dad would, too. he always says he doesn't cry at funerals. but it'd feel rude if he didn't. if we wrote a note, maybe they'd read it out ? i don't know. i don't know if funerals are different for suicides. maybe we'd ask them to, just so people could know that it wasn't their fault. i don't want to write this anymore.

🌈26/03/2023 18:29pm

⛈️is it egotistical to feel sad about the fact our death would be quiet ? so much of the world would be unaffected. yes, the people close to us mean the most...but part of me yearns to be widely mourned. even before death. i don't feel like i'm here anymore, yet everything is the same. where is my funeral ? where are the tears ?

🌈26/03/2023 15:46pm

⛈️i'm just now realising that the reason a confession account didn't post my message might be because they thought the "blog owner can read my thoughts" delusion was about them, so. that's a little awkward... (it wasn't about them specifically, for the record. i have that delusion about every blog. even though it really doesn't make any sense ? but i guess that's never stopped our delusions before...we're very gullible.) WAIT I NEED TO EDIT THIS !!! it was a confession account about psychosis !!! i didn't send it to a random confession acccount !! that would be innapropriate !!!

🌈26/03/2023 14:28pm

⛈️aghh, back pain !!! can our bones be nice for a minute please !!!

🌈26/03/2023 14:10pm

⛈️i keep thinking about what my purpose is. i feel like there’s a place out there waiting for me. not here, not even close to here (unless it’s hiding somewhere no one can see). it’s like i can see it in the back of my mind and i can feel friends reaching out to bring me home….but they can’t get to me. i just can’t see or remember them. who are they ? who am i meant to be ? i know this isn’t it !! there has to be a way back !! but until then i’ll do whatever i can to try and figure it out. maybe they can speak to me in dreams ? maybe i need to look for signs ? they have to be somewhere. i know they’re waiting for me and i just want to go back. even if i can’t remember.

🌈26/03/2023 04:03am

⛈️we're going to sleep now, but here's a vent poem before we do ! :]

twisting, turning

the unknown pulls me in

there's a familiar tug on my arm

i hear the call of muffled voices

blurry arms reach out to me

the room is quiet and my mind is loud

the doorways keep falling through

vague imgages loop in my mind

nostalgia without clear meaning

the music won't stop playing

the window is closed

the moon is not bright tonight

it's bright enough to shine lightly in the kitchen

the window is closed

the window is closed

the window is closed

the door is locked

the door is locked

the door is locked

the door is unlocked

it's cold

can you hear me ?

🌈25/03/2023 23:42pm

⛈️we're always bouncing our own sad thoughts against ourselves...which probably doesn't help. but talking to other people directly sounds like such a bad idea !! it's ended so badly before, and looking back at old messages is scary !! people don't deserve to feel like they have to deal with our problems !! plus, our thoughts aren't very happy. i don't really wanna tell people our thoughts. we won't be the happy little person in their heads anymore if we do :[

🌈25/03/2023 23:04pm

⛈️"you should go to bed at a normal time !" oh, should we ? why ? so we can study to get a job ? you think we WANT to do that ? we don't even want to get up in the morning and you think we want to WORK ? we aren't even physically or mentally well enough to work ! but sure, getting up and preparing to be stuck in the endless loop of all work and no play is a great idea ! what a wonderful thing to look forward to !! giving away years of our lives just to make the people at the top richer !!! never getting the time to heal and feel happy !! if we're barely healing now, what makes you think we'll be able to once we get busier ? how long will we have to deny our emotions for ? how long until this ends ?

🌈25/03/2023 22:00pm

⛈️i wish i could feel a real reason for us to get up in the morning. sure, making this website is fun, but how long will the honeymoon phase last ? how long until it doesn't have that exciting feeling anymore ? it's already so hard to think of a reason to look after our body. our health is terrible. we only ever get a break when we're asleep. i only get a break when we're asleep. how long until i get to go home ? how long do i have to wait ?

🌈25/03/2023 21:33pm

⛈️this is some vent art from a couple of days ago ! i drew it while we were recovering from a hallucination thingy we had the night before. it was really scary !! we were stuck in the kitchen in the dark and we couldn't move !!! :[ but it's okay ! we're fine now ! :] (also, i got my sweater's stripes wrong...)

🌈25/03/2023 14:24pm

🌈so, this is my vent blog !! i don't feel like posting anything emotional right now, but i still needed to get this started ! to get here you should've had to go past a warning page !! if it didn't work, you wouldn't be here (i think) !! :]